an interesting thing has happened...

...and I don't know if this is good, bad or ugly. This has suddenly become work. a job.

let me explain.

Before this project, whenever I'd create something...like the uber shitty Snipe Hunt Massacre: The Movie or the only slightly shitty Ant Farm or even my first real "movie-film", F**K New York, or any multitude of awful short films, it was just pure joy; or as Ed Burns put it, ten days of awesome.

But somewhere in here this all became a job; something about having to deliver on my deadlines even when inspiration did not strike (see: Act, Battle) made this whole thing feel less joyous and more, dare I say, mundane. tedious? Like WORK.   I was thinking of this last Saturday while trying to load the truck to drive into NYC at the butt-crack of dawn to shoot St. Genesius. I thought, "man this suddenly feels like a fucking job".

but that's the point...isn't it?

isn't it?

isn't the point of all this to one day have a career in film? to create something that eventually will be a livelihood? Is this not the very thing I so desperately have dreamed about for a quarter of a century and more than half of my life?   that this should feel like work, means it's not a hobby, right?

haven't i arrived, somehow?

huh?

HUUUHHHH???

I guess I should feel a sense of validation but I actually just feel poor and tired. It would help if I actually could figure out how to make money off of this...because I guess technically i'm doing a self-imposed intership and you know what they say about a man who is has himself for an intern (he can only fuck himself in the ass).

honestly I am not sure what or why i'm saying this; it just seemed to pop in my head.

I never thought that an added side effect of doing this, treating this like my job, would be that, from time to time, my job sucks.

hmmm...