it's hard to believe but this puppy is almost at rest. seems like only yesterday we were struggling to make number 4 and thinking about quitting and here we are, struggling to make number 10 (and thinking about quitting)
I do think about quitting a lot. This whole thing is just very very hard. Once its over, I hope I can look back fondly but as of now all I'm doing is kicking myself for trying this THIS year. What was meesa thinking?
anywhoo... enough of that shasta.
i think that as this project has progressed, I've kinda started nailing down who I am as a writer and (to a lesser extent) who I am as a film maker. I've always been a fan of the Dogme '95 dudes. I loved that manifesto, even if they didn't really adhere to it. it's been a goal of mine to make a true dogme film and I've tried...actually came pretty close with F**k New York. but, honestly, the sound was so terrible that I had to add score. sorry, Lars.
but I think with HTKYIOY, I should at least give it a proper go, so this one is going to be all Dogme. I'm going to publicly take my vow of chastity and follow the commandments.
Here is the script: 22
Obviously, for those of you who have seen the December film, the subject matter here has a bit of personal significance. When we were in the hospital with Mags and Z-man, with the other preemies and parents, we got to see a lot of stuff that you just can't unsee. Babies smaller than you can imagine a human being...being. Parents having not slept, sitting in silent vigil in front of incubators, the rhythmic pulsing of the respirators going in and out of sync with various bleeps and bloops from monitors. Recognizing their weary expressions whenever a mirror was present. And in all that time, it wasn't the doctors who gave us comfort (and that is not to say the doctors were not magnificent), but rather the NURSES, who...and I can't even find the words to express how incredible these women are. I don't think a poet exists who can do their wonder justice...these warriors of the ward, would tirelessly and cheerfully tend to a full ship of preemies and terrified parents and they would do it with ease, humility and purity. To see these women, with no personal connection to our babies, treat them with respect and wonder and awe and kindness and tenderness and any other descriptors you can think of I told you I'm not a good enough writer to sing their praises, was proof in the greatness of humanity...that maybe we'll all be okay. The fact that, after a grueling 11 hour shift, our nurse would so patiently sit with a dumb ass all thumbs awkward goomba father as he attempts to feed 30 ccs of breast milk to his 3 pound son, still attached to the machines, and trying desperately NOT to pull any wires out...well let's just say, i'm a fan for life. And we got to know our nurses. and sometimes, late at night, when the babies were asleep and most of the parents had gone and there were just a few of us stragglers behind, the nurses would let down their hair (so to speak) and begin to talk shop. and that is where my awe of them truly blossomed. These women are veterans of a war that shall never end...for 'tis a war with death herself. and yet they still go....day after day...night after night... moment by moment...and try with every fiber of their being to hold that bitch off for one more hour. one second. one breath. As they were trying to make Christmas dinner plans, one of these ladies, dropped into a story about a "tough night"; a night where she almost lost a baby she'd been caring for for weeks. How she had to perform chest compressions on this little one, and breath for her and just keep doing it over and over until her vitals picked up and she was okay, and then (and she told this in a calm, almost meditative tone) "i had to just go to the bathroom and lock the door and sit a moment because that was a hard one and the really hard part is that, for this baby, I pretty much do this every night". And it sinks in...these nurses are literally the only guardians for these children. If they live or die, it ain't because of the doctors...it's because of the nurses.
and thus, Veronika was born. You may see her again...
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