Why am I saying this?
well I’ve been thinking a lot about acting lately…and I’m coming to the
same conclusion that Morgan Freeman’s character in Million Dollar Baby came
to: “I had my shot, nobody can say any
different”. I did have my shot. There
was a moment and I had it. And then I let it go. Didn’t seize. Something like
that. Anywhoo…I did NOT make it as an actor. And I could rail against the
injustice of it all but the simple fact is—and I’m talking reality here, the
reality of 10+ years of soul searching, not some half-assed grab for your
sympathy or a ersatz coy spelunking for a compliment—the fact is that I don’t
have zazz. You know, ZAZZ. That thing
that makes people intriguing; that special quality that stars have that makes
them compelling and impossible to ignore.
Look, you give me a role and a proper rehearsal and I’ll give you a
performance as good as anyone….but I’ll never transcend anything…I’ll never hit
that “shaking hands with god” moment where I fully drop in and in that moment
become one with the universe and truly live truthfully under imaginary
circumstances, and to further compound the issue I’m not photogenic in the
slightest and completely un-charming (on camera that is…you should see me at
work) and…yep…I ain’t got no ZAZZ. So I
lack the depth and ability to truly transform and also lack the skills and
charm to fake it so…let’s face it: I’m not a bad actor…I’m just kinda “meh”. And this is coming from me as an actor AND as
a producer/director who has worked with me here, here, and here. Recently. So I’ll probably still act because I dig it
and, really, what’s the point of having your own movie studio if you don’t get
to cast yourself in roles you’re not good enough to play?
BUT, when I have something of substance. When I have
something I care about…a script that pounded me into submission and
strangled my soul until I collapsed at
the keys and then banged itself into existence through my weary fingers…a transcendent
script (and that is something I am capable of producing, unlike a transcendent
performance), well when I have one of those, I need real actors. I need the
A-Team.
I need Tim.
I need Kaylyn.
Which is really what I wanted to talk about anyway. I’ve spoken at length about my love and
gratitude for my F**K New York Cast…don’t believe me? Read this, or this.
And the more I sink into this project and the more actor
bullshit I run into—this will be a separate posting in itself: actor bullshit,
or HOW come you gotta be like that, you ain’t a star—the more nonsense I have
had to stomach during these films, the more I really just cling to my original
thesis (chix is whack) that, fuck “talent”…everybody is “talented”…you really
just need to find people you love and work with forever.
Which brings us back to Tim. And Kaylyn (and Franny and
Maria and John and my Jejo and Austin and Uma and Love and sweet Abner D and
Batman and Jeffrey Johns and Sharone and and and and and and the list goes on
but we’re talking about Tim and Kaylyn here).
Tim and Kaylyn are those RARE actors that are awesome human
beings as well as performers. It was not arbitrary that I put “human beings”
before “performers”. They come prepared,
with no bullshit and give you their best. They work hard and make it seem easy.
And this last week, they worked hard and made it seem easy
in the fucking rain. Yep. On the ONE
day we could shoot, the old man was snoring. Honestly, based on the nature of
the script, the rain worked and created a tone and atmosphere that we couldn’t
have achieved in bright daylight…but it still sucked hardcore major ass to be
out there in it…fumbling with umbrellas trying to cover the camera at the
expense of us…having to pause in the middle of a take so we could wipe the
camera lens…watching poor Kaylyn turn all sorts of different colors because she
was FREEZING.
But they never complained; quite the opposite really. They laughed
and joked between takes and told stories and then dropped in when I said “action”. They USED the rain to fuel the character
choices and the moments and didn’t telegraph comments about the uncomfortableness
or it all. They were professionals…actually
fuck that, professionals would have demanded rain pay and trailers and such…they
were MOTHER FUCKING ARTISTS and gave everything to the moment; just like I did.
They were in there, in the trenches with me and giving their all; true collaborators.
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And let me tell you, if I never made another film with any
other actors but them, I’d still marvel everyday at my good fortune…and if I
made 100 movies with just Tim and Kaylyn, I’d not reach the limits of their
talent.
I told you it might be disgusting.
Because I love these two. Not in some “I LOVE you man” kinda
silliness….but as a creator loves his muse.
I spent most of my life searching for an artistic home and didn’t
find it until I gave up the search and built the home myself.
My wife was the one who gave me the keys to the door.
Tim and Kaylyn were among the first guests.
I hope they never leave.
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